They’re Just Not That Into You

Sep 28, 2009 by     No Comments    Posted under: Thousands of Stories


It happens often and it happens to all of us – especially if you are in this business. The book, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You,” gave groundbreaking perspective to millions of lonely women wasting their days thinking about why that certain guy just wasn’t calling. And I must admit that it has done the same for me though I have only seen the film version. Now, I hope to all that is holy that my theatre/film/auditioning track record does not grow to the level of my personal/romantic rejection levels (which, I shall tell you, are very high), but how one ought to handle said rejections ought to be very similar. Let us first investigate the similarities:

The guy: the persons casting the project/the role that you desperately want to play/the paycheck that you desperately need

You: You (or perhaps the slightly more insecure and self judging version of you because you can’t stop thinking about what is at stake)

The first encounter: submitting yourself for the audition – which can lead to option A or B

Option A: no audition. Left with only the dream of what could have been had either of you had the balls to make a move

Option B: Audition/Interaction. A chat, a performance, a best display of yourself (while inside you are thinking; I’m awesome/awful/just buy me please)

Awkward Hug at the Door: ‘Thanks, we’ll contact you in the next couple of days.”

Goodnight Kiss: “Wow, that was really great. When are you available again? Ok, well we will definitely be in touch.”

One to Ten days later:

1) no response,

2) rejection email (rude in tone),

3) rejection email (kind in tone, containing the following phrase;

“we will keep your in mind for future projects.”),

4) get the role

Sigh. I am in the stage of not being able to get the audition in the first place (save Student Films – which, for a while seemed promising but now less interested in me than the theatre companies). That seems to be where I am, currently – like those commercials for State Farm with the big red circle of interrogation-room-light pounding down upon someone stressed out: ‘yeah, you could say I’m there.’

And it is the same with men as it is with theatre. I feel like I am writing an article for Sex and the City where she uses metaphors where men are socks or french fries or something odd of that nature. Fries and socks do not necessarily carry the gravity or importance that both men and acting do in my life so it’s probably not wise for me to clump them together into one profound observation but it just works out that way. Whether I want it to or not: they are very similar. And my relationships with both animals are very similar.

For theatre specifically (though all of this can be said of men), I care too much what they think. I invest everything I have into each audition or industry interaction. Now, I am not saying that it is a bad thing to care. Of course, I care because this is what I am passionate about and these things are very important to me. But I never give myself the chance to breathe and just be. Everything is at this level of “highest importance” that there is never the chance to 1) enjoy myself, 2) be real, and 3) not judge what I am doing. Sometimes, my tenacity pays off and sometimes it pushes people away. For whatever the reason: I am not having much luck (in either field). And what I ought to be reminding myself of is this:

You are not right for every role/ You are not right for every person.

Accept it, move on, and keep trucking. Don’t take anything personally. Ever. Never. One enormous realization I have made over the past couple of enormous life changes I have had is this:

Other people arent thinking about you. Other people, like you, are thinking about themselves.

People are very selfish and they are worrying about what they need, how they are going to make money, who is going to help them, and what YOU are thinking about them. When you take things personally, you will be wasting your time making yourself sick worrying about something that is already in the past and cannot be changed. My friend Kyle gave me very powerful advice; be self aware (and reflect such that you can grow and learn and evolve) without being self judging. Rejection: it hurts not because of the other person/production not wanting you but because the grief you put yourself through trying to figure out WHY.

He is just not that into me – I get it. It’s just not there and you just cant help that. You can’t waste your time and your energies trying to convince someone that you are worth their love. You need someone who is wonderful enough to see that without you having to seduce it out of them. The same goes with casting: there is too much NOT in your control that you cannot dwell on the various reasons why you didn’t get that part. They probably loved you. They probably thought you were feisty, cute, beautiful, handsome, powerful, vulnerable, talented, and intelligent. But, oh wait – you’re too short. Just too tall. We wanted someone with blue eyes, bigger boobs, more etherial, more homely, more girl-next-door, more bohemian, more punk, more gothic, more freakish, more intimidating, younger, older, fatter, thinner, paler, darker, or more tattoos. Or oh, we wanted a blonde. Or, oh, it just wasn’t there. They may have loved you but not you-in-the-role. In relationships we can accept the phrase “you can’t help who you have feelings for.” The same should be said for casting directors: “they just cant help who just fits the role and clicks with the rest of the team.”

I haven’t found my group yet – and I will venture to say, ever. I havent found a guy or a director or a casting director or a role, in New York City, specifically. It takes time. And same with relationships: you cannot find love until you love yourself, right? You cannot succeed in acting until you are confident in who you are and stop playing the role of; “perfect actor for them.” You need to be: “perfect you.”And then, maybe you can hope they will see YOU (and not the tense, insecure facade of you that you are putting out there).


Whoever that is.

STRENGTH, friends. STRENGTH to you all,