Need to Want

Jun 5, 2010 by     No Comments    Posted under: Thousands of Stories

The second you begin to want something, really want something, is the moment you should look back and realize that this thing will not, now or ever, solve your problems. It is when we let go and allow the things that will happen or will not happen to come to fruition that we should realize that our problems and ourselves are under control. Not until this moment are we finally able to make dreams come to reality. Desperation, greed, obsessions… they are all born of the desire to heal one’s self and one’s situation. And this pattern repeats itself as we continue to lose control and allow our possessions and obsessions to control us. Our needs to be like others, or to be better than others, or to just be better than ourselves prevent us from specifically reaching these exact goals. When you realize and accept that you, already, are all of these things… these things happen much faster.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Brief respite of profound thoughts before I head off to my first day of rehearsal.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Things have changed for the better here in the sweaty sticky city. I am finally in a place of comfort and self-contentedness that would not have come without almost a year of struggle, depression, and flailing. My horrid, repeat HORRID living situation (on which I have been counting down the days to end since day 248) is almost over. We are at day: … let me check…  25! And I am rushing out the door to drop of a deposit and two application fees for a Brooklyn apt (3br) to share with two friends from work before I head to my first rehearsal for a small, non-union, PROFESSIONAL production of Medea.

Backup: I went home to Boulder, CO in mid April to reassess my life and decided to stay in New York City. I pontificated on this subject in a little Lauper dedicate bit entitled Time after Time. Lots of allegories to time.. it was lovely. Yet I digress. Since that decision, I have been able to see more clearly the light at the end of this years toxically suffocating tunnel. And that little light has given me hope. And I find now that, if you have one avenue of hope, one little light, one tiny alternate route: as long as you have options, you are never fully lost.

My little light is the end of this lease. If I haven’t articulated this enough: I am psyched to leave. Have I ever discussed my roommate? Leaving out names: hes disgusting. I write this as I look over to his bed across our shared studio and see the equivalent to a crime scene chalk body outline only in yellow on white (the sweat from his body outlining his skinny body onto his never washed, once white bedding).

his bed

his bed

I crawl through his trash and hair sheds to get to my half/corner of the room. We haven’t spoken in 4-6 months since the day I suggested we sublet and part ways and his father threatened to sue me if I tried to find a sublet for my half. I have stopped using the kitchen and the shower as their filth repulse me. I did one full, head to toe cleaning of both rooms before I went to Boulder in February and have sworn never to touch, dirty, nor clean either of those spaces/surfaces again. Its thoroughly passive aggressive and feels oh-so-right. He doesn’t understand the concept of sharing space and consistently puts his meat products on top of my vegan food in the refrigerator, bath products (including old razors, gallons of Tommy Bahama, a hair straightener?, all over body bronzing powder! and aqua net) on top of my things on the bathroom shelves, and refuses/refused to trade closets with me even though he chose the closet on my half of the room upon move in (so he literally has to step behind my divider screen to get to his shit – eliminating any chance of privacy a girl could hope for. Furthermore, he exhibits a nightly ritual I like to call: “midnight tranny trechno” wherein, between the hours of 2 and 7am, he listens to loud club music and cooks steaks (or eats rotisserie chickens off the kitchen floor???). The worst part of it all is that he is an artist (?). Rephrase: he is THAT actor. The actor that only does film, that has an agent but really just complains about how his agent doesnt get him work, and who thinks that art is a lovely sentiment but that partying and sucking up to celebrities’ children is the only way to make connections. Upon move in, he mocked my calling myself an ‘artist.’ Did I mention that he doesn’t know how to flush a toilet and throws his used toilet paper into the trash can? SAVE ME!

I don’t know if he has talent. I’ve never seen his work. He doesn’t get work … he also doesn’t leave his bed.

BUT we wish him well and no harmful thoughts :-p He would never harm me or my stuff and for that, I am grateful. I suppose.


As a result of the stress/tension/anxiety in this living situation, I have become incredibly ill. I stopped getting periods (for 8 months), I gained significant weight and became pretty unhappy. That is all changing. After a brief trip home to Indiana to visit the family on the farm and after two of my very best friends from CO moved to NYC – I finally don’t feel alone. Before, I had left my community and come to new york entirely by myself and felt that I was missing out on everything I had left behind. Now, everyone has dissipated and that community doesn’t exist anymore. We are all alone and, as a result, I feel that we are all back together again (for we are in the same situation). And there is comfort in that.

Once I found comfort, once I re-found myself, auditioning became much better. I had an audition for a small paying production of Medea (with a classical, movement based company). – I believe that I am chorus (a role I have played before at CU Boulder) but I may also have a small role as the Nurse. Either way, there is a lot of movement and a lot of tragedy involved and I cant be upset with either of those things. We find out specific casting today at our first rehearsal. I am very excited. I am being paid to act in New York City. The wheel has begun to roll. We open in mid July and have many benefit performances in CENTRAL PARK! More to follow on this subject since we haven’t really begun…

In addition, I had an incredible audition for a Children’s Theatre touring company based in Jersey. It was a last minute call in to audition so I went back to my old stand by pieces which weren’t necessarily appropriate for the genre but were strong pieces on their own. They loved my work (or at least said they did and then proceeded to have a 30 minute conversation with me about the beauty of Boulder, CO and how Flagstaff is both a road filled with danger and people have sex in parked cars). I don’t know if I will get cast – I haven’t heard anything yet – but I do know that I had a great audition and through no fault of mine would I not get cast. Its funny though. I went back to old pieces that I did for my BFA audition (when I was super comfortable in my own skin and KNEW what I deserved and what I was capable of), and earlier this year I went back to Bikram Yoga (a practice I abandoned in college when I got a boyfriend and began to lose myself because… truth be told… he really did make me happy enough all on his own). It is funny how sometimes we have to abandon who we are to realize we had it right all along. I am not saving up money to go to the Bikram Yoga teacher certification training. Hello Sally Mae! May we have a brief chat?

I am finally getting back on track. And I can SEE that track now because of that little light at the end of the tunnel. And it will get brighter. And I will get stronger. Who knows… maybe I’ll even get another boyfriend! :-p


… probably not

– E. Beuchat